Days like these are the worst.

Actually, days like yesterday are the worst. All day with nothing to do is not only lame but gives me ample opportunity to let my mind wander to things which it should not.

Poor choices, betrayal, and loss are only a few among mounds of thoughts which break the smooth surface I attempt to keep in the ocean of my mind, when I am at a loss for distractions. Work, school and spending time with friends and family serve as keepers of my attention and avert my focus to things other than events which have already passed. These events themselves not only are hurtful, because of what has been done to me, but because of what I have done to others. Now that I have been able to make amends with the person who means the most to me and have had the opportunity to rekindle our lengthy relationship, the remaining feelings I have from past events are usually dominated by guilt and shame. How could I have acted in such a foolish manner? I could blame it on my prefrontal cortex not being fully developed, but age is only a scapegoat. (Psychologists say that the reason most teens make poor decisions is because the prefrontal cortex - or decision making - part of the brain is not fully developed until early to mid-twenties.)

Days like yesterday are usually followed by days like today. I'm moody and upset. I play with my lip rings out of nervous habit which puts a sour look on my already frowning face. (By today I mean Memorial Day, by yesterday I mean the 29th. It's 12:53 A.M. which by my standards does not mean it's Tuesday, because I haven't gone to bed yet.) I spent the day escaping through literature, then attending a bbq at my boyfriends-bestfriends-girlfriends house. The company was good, I simply was not in the best state of mind to be at a celebratory event. So, as is always the case, I'm sure everyone wondered why I was so pissed off.

So, by literature I meant that I began re-reading the Harry Potter series again. Not only because I have the time on my hands but because I want something to distract me from all the time on my hands. As stated above when I've got the time, my mind puts me in strange and awful places, that which I am greatly trying to avoid.