Actually I haven't gotten paid yet. My check should be in the mail. But the fact of the matter is, I was told that I will be receiving $30 for something I wrote. Something that actually came from my brain. I can't believe it.
That NSYNC song? From the 90's? Yeah. It has never been so tightly aligned with my life before.
Today, my friend's dad said that once I graduate college I'll find a super successful job and make a ton of money. I can only hope he's right. I've done well in school, and I feel like I'm really getting a hang of the magazine/journalism business. But at the same time, I feel like even if you have awesome skills if you don't know the right people it doesn't matter if you know the difference who vs. whom, or how many pretty words you can string together. I feel like in the business I'm going into a lot of it relies on the luck of the draw.
I hope I don't draw the short straw.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Discouraged
Up until today I felt really good about mostly everything.
Then I got home and something changed. I felt discouraged. And I feel like I'm not growing again.
I think it may be because the publication I sent a piece to asked me to re-write it a bit. I know nothing's perfect the first time around but still. It was discouraging.
For the longest time I felt like I wasn't growing, as a person or professionally. I felt stagnant, like I was stuck. Just putting in my time for the next big thing but the problem was, I didn't have any indication as to when the next big thing would come, or if it would every actually occur. And what big thing was I looking for anyway? I can't even figure that out for myself. I felt like I wasn't doing anything to push myself forward and grow professionally. My career was on the line and I was doing nothing to help myself. So I found some internships. And now the first one is ending. Next week will be my last week and it sucks. I really like where I intern at right now and I'm scared to move to another publication. I'm afraid that I'll just fuck it up and not do well and never get a job or make enough money to support myself.
I'm a terrible writer and even worse journalist so why am I wasting my time?
Then I got home and something changed. I felt discouraged. And I feel like I'm not growing again.
I think it may be because the publication I sent a piece to asked me to re-write it a bit. I know nothing's perfect the first time around but still. It was discouraging.
For the longest time I felt like I wasn't growing, as a person or professionally. I felt stagnant, like I was stuck. Just putting in my time for the next big thing but the problem was, I didn't have any indication as to when the next big thing would come, or if it would every actually occur. And what big thing was I looking for anyway? I can't even figure that out for myself. I felt like I wasn't doing anything to push myself forward and grow professionally. My career was on the line and I was doing nothing to help myself. So I found some internships. And now the first one is ending. Next week will be my last week and it sucks. I really like where I intern at right now and I'm scared to move to another publication. I'm afraid that I'll just fuck it up and not do well and never get a job or make enough money to support myself.
I'm a terrible writer and even worse journalist so why am I wasting my time?
Monday, August 29, 2011
I haven't kept this up like I meant to...
Today was the first day of classes. My morning began with my mother violently vomiting and requiring me to make numerous phone calls as she could not make it into work, while I was supposed to be leaving 10 minutes later for my first session of neuroscience and history, 1877-the present. I don't feel like elaborating but for the most part, today sucked. I then realized that I've been wasting time on Tumblr and not updating this thing like I had meant to in the beginning.
My anxiety has shot through the roof, and come back down again approximately 37.9 million times since I came to the realization that I am taking 19 credits and working two jobs. I have drowned in my fear of not being able to keep up with 6 classes, two of them being writing intensive and one of them being a math class, multiple times. I need to keep my GPA up so I can keep my scholarship. I also need money on hand for things such as gas, tolls, and food. Often, I lose sleep over such things. And the real kicker is, 16 weeks from now, none of this will matter.
In a way, this is how I work through troubling times. No matter how upset I am, how sick I feel, or how badly I just want to scream at the world, the knowledge that in five years time, none of this will have any impact on my life makes it all seem okay. Suddenly it seems as if I know I will make it through anything. Because really, there is very little in life that a person can't recover from. Psych studies have shown that when a person is presented with a possible scenario, such as the tragic termination of a romantic relationship, they estimate that they will be less happy once said event occurs than they actually end up being. In other words, a couple is asked how they would feel if their relationship ended tomorrow. They say they will be absolutely devastated and it will take months to years for them to recover from the breakup. However, couples who actually did break up found themselves to be adapting quite fine, after a short period of mourning. Before they knew it, they were back on their feet and having a good time. The same can be said for those in terrible car accidents, war Veterans, and people who have lost loved ones. When the actual event happens, it seems as though the feelings of upset will never leave, yet they always do.
This is how I try to keep my calm, and hopefully it works.
My anxiety has shot through the roof, and come back down again approximately 37.9 million times since I came to the realization that I am taking 19 credits and working two jobs. I have drowned in my fear of not being able to keep up with 6 classes, two of them being writing intensive and one of them being a math class, multiple times. I need to keep my GPA up so I can keep my scholarship. I also need money on hand for things such as gas, tolls, and food. Often, I lose sleep over such things. And the real kicker is, 16 weeks from now, none of this will matter.
In a way, this is how I work through troubling times. No matter how upset I am, how sick I feel, or how badly I just want to scream at the world, the knowledge that in five years time, none of this will have any impact on my life makes it all seem okay. Suddenly it seems as if I know I will make it through anything. Because really, there is very little in life that a person can't recover from. Psych studies have shown that when a person is presented with a possible scenario, such as the tragic termination of a romantic relationship, they estimate that they will be less happy once said event occurs than they actually end up being. In other words, a couple is asked how they would feel if their relationship ended tomorrow. They say they will be absolutely devastated and it will take months to years for them to recover from the breakup. However, couples who actually did break up found themselves to be adapting quite fine, after a short period of mourning. Before they knew it, they were back on their feet and having a good time. The same can be said for those in terrible car accidents, war Veterans, and people who have lost loved ones. When the actual event happens, it seems as though the feelings of upset will never leave, yet they always do.
This is how I try to keep my calm, and hopefully it works.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Even when I've got the time,
I am the farthest thing from productive. As an intern for a weekly paper I can write pretty much anything and if they like it I'll get paid $25 per piece. This isn't much on the scale of journalism but for an article that is only 150-200 words and only takes me about 1/2 an hour to put together it's good money.
Instead, I have been re-reading the Harry Potter series. I just finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (book 3) which only took me about 2 days to complete. When I should have been writing. Also, I have been meaning to go to the bank for at least a month. And even though there is a PNC Branch less than 5 minutes away from my house, and I drive past it every time I go to my boyfriends house, I have not made the effort to stop in.
Besides the bank trip and article (which would bring me $$ I'm in desperate need of) that I've been putting off there's a writing competition I've been wanting to enter. The deadline is June 30th and the grand prize is $1000 and you get published. This would be fucking amazing, especially from a career standpoint. What have I done to work towards this awesome prize? Nothing more than a tad of brainstorming.
Maybe my creative juices just have stopped flowing. I feel out of ideas. They've gotten lost in the shuffle. I suck at this. And the excuse that school has me stressed out is no longer valid until the end of August when I'll be on academic overload (kill me now). Ugh. Maybe I signed up for the wrong career. I didn't really weigh out my options when I put down journalism as my major when I applied to college, I suppose I should have put more thought into my future. Even though that's a lot of pressure to put on a 17-year-old...but that's another rant (which is also the title of a GREAT book by Chuck Palahniuk).
And now I just sit and complain. And read Harry Potter. bleh. With any luck I'll be able to get some ideas flowing again. Until then, INXS will blare from my laptop speakers and book 4 will be at my side.
Instead, I have been re-reading the Harry Potter series. I just finished Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (book 3) which only took me about 2 days to complete. When I should have been writing. Also, I have been meaning to go to the bank for at least a month. And even though there is a PNC Branch less than 5 minutes away from my house, and I drive past it every time I go to my boyfriends house, I have not made the effort to stop in.
Besides the bank trip and article (which would bring me $$ I'm in desperate need of) that I've been putting off there's a writing competition I've been wanting to enter. The deadline is June 30th and the grand prize is $1000 and you get published. This would be fucking amazing, especially from a career standpoint. What have I done to work towards this awesome prize? Nothing more than a tad of brainstorming.
Maybe my creative juices just have stopped flowing. I feel out of ideas. They've gotten lost in the shuffle. I suck at this. And the excuse that school has me stressed out is no longer valid until the end of August when I'll be on academic overload (kill me now). Ugh. Maybe I signed up for the wrong career. I didn't really weigh out my options when I put down journalism as my major when I applied to college, I suppose I should have put more thought into my future. Even though that's a lot of pressure to put on a 17-year-old...but that's another rant (which is also the title of a GREAT book by Chuck Palahniuk).
And now I just sit and complain. And read Harry Potter. bleh. With any luck I'll be able to get some ideas flowing again. Until then, INXS will blare from my laptop speakers and book 4 will be at my side.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Days like these are the worst.
Actually, days like yesterday are the worst. All day with nothing to do is not only lame but gives me ample opportunity to let my mind wander to things which it should not.
Poor choices, betrayal, and loss are only a few among mounds of thoughts which break the smooth surface I attempt to keep in the ocean of my mind, when I am at a loss for distractions. Work, school and spending time with friends and family serve as keepers of my attention and avert my focus to things other than events which have already passed. These events themselves not only are hurtful, because of what has been done to me, but because of what I have done to others. Now that I have been able to make amends with the person who means the most to me and have had the opportunity to rekindle our lengthy relationship, the remaining feelings I have from past events are usually dominated by guilt and shame. How could I have acted in such a foolish manner? I could blame it on my prefrontal cortex not being fully developed, but age is only a scapegoat. (Psychologists say that the reason most teens make poor decisions is because the prefrontal cortex - or decision making - part of the brain is not fully developed until early to mid-twenties.)
Days like yesterday are usually followed by days like today. I'm moody and upset. I play with my lip rings out of nervous habit which puts a sour look on my already frowning face. (By today I mean Memorial Day, by yesterday I mean the 29th. It's 12:53 A.M. which by my standards does not mean it's Tuesday, because I haven't gone to bed yet.) I spent the day escaping through literature, then attending a bbq at my boyfriends-bestfriends-girlfriends house. The company was good, I simply was not in the best state of mind to be at a celebratory event. So, as is always the case, I'm sure everyone wondered why I was so pissed off.
So, by literature I meant that I began re-reading the Harry Potter series again. Not only because I have the time on my hands but because I want something to distract me from all the time on my hands. As stated above when I've got the time, my mind puts me in strange and awful places, that which I am greatly trying to avoid.
Poor choices, betrayal, and loss are only a few among mounds of thoughts which break the smooth surface I attempt to keep in the ocean of my mind, when I am at a loss for distractions. Work, school and spending time with friends and family serve as keepers of my attention and avert my focus to things other than events which have already passed. These events themselves not only are hurtful, because of what has been done to me, but because of what I have done to others. Now that I have been able to make amends with the person who means the most to me and have had the opportunity to rekindle our lengthy relationship, the remaining feelings I have from past events are usually dominated by guilt and shame. How could I have acted in such a foolish manner? I could blame it on my prefrontal cortex not being fully developed, but age is only a scapegoat. (Psychologists say that the reason most teens make poor decisions is because the prefrontal cortex - or decision making - part of the brain is not fully developed until early to mid-twenties.)
Days like yesterday are usually followed by days like today. I'm moody and upset. I play with my lip rings out of nervous habit which puts a sour look on my already frowning face. (By today I mean Memorial Day, by yesterday I mean the 29th. It's 12:53 A.M. which by my standards does not mean it's Tuesday, because I haven't gone to bed yet.) I spent the day escaping through literature, then attending a bbq at my boyfriends-bestfriends-girlfriends house. The company was good, I simply was not in the best state of mind to be at a celebratory event. So, as is always the case, I'm sure everyone wondered why I was so pissed off.
So, by literature I meant that I began re-reading the Harry Potter series again. Not only because I have the time on my hands but because I want something to distract me from all the time on my hands. As stated above when I've got the time, my mind puts me in strange and awful places, that which I am greatly trying to avoid.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
How to be an adult.
1) Play by the rules.
2) Agree to disagree.
3) Conflict of interests between two or more adults means calm, direct communication, which results in some form of compromise or general agreement.
4) Display a level of maturity which is socially acceptable according to one's numerical age, which is determined by one's birth year.
5) Acquire and hold on to some form of job or career.
6) Be respectful, even towards one's enemies.
7) Be civil, even towards one's enemies.
8) Abide by socially accepted laws and statutes.
9) Reign in reckless behavior.
10) Take responsibility for one's own actions.
If you want to be labeled an adult, don't act like a child.
2) Agree to disagree.
3) Conflict of interests between two or more adults means calm, direct communication, which results in some form of compromise or general agreement.
4) Display a level of maturity which is socially acceptable according to one's numerical age, which is determined by one's birth year.
5) Acquire and hold on to some form of job or career.
6) Be respectful, even towards one's enemies.
7) Be civil, even towards one's enemies.
8) Abide by socially accepted laws and statutes.
9) Reign in reckless behavior.
10) Take responsibility for one's own actions.
If you want to be labeled an adult, don't act like a child.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Really, this is getting ridiculous.
http://weirdnews.aol.com/2011/05/14/chuck-e-cheese-sued-for-promoting-gambling_n_861785.html
I completely understand the concern this mother is having. I have grown up in a family with extremely addictive personalities. This goes back generations. My great-uncle died due to cirrhosis of the liver, the result of being an alcoholic. My great-aunt just died due to respiratory complications from being a smoker for the majority of her life. Both of my aunts suffer from addictions which have hurt them and their children more than anything else I can imagine would be able to. Addictions, of any sort, are dangerous. The compulsion to do anything, (gamble, drink, etc) is bad news bears and ruins lives daily, if not ending them entirely. Letting yourself succumb to an addiction is risky business that leads to grave consequences. Rehabilitation centers make millions of dollars yearly through helping people who want to turn their lives to the straight and narrow, and get clean.
That being said…
IT’S CHUCK E. FUCKING CHEESE. Let your kid have some fun for Christs sakes. As a kid I was very anxious, paranoid and angry. Even as a toddler I suffered from separation anxiety disorder. Most often, I was not a happy camper. One of the few times I was happy was when I got the chance to play with other kids my age, either at Chuck E. Cheese or some other place that was similar. These places were created to provide a fun, carefree and safe environment for kids to enjoy themselves. With the way society is turning out, many children already suffer from pressures of being successful by the time they hit the first grade. Between being the best in their class, to knowing as many languages as a translator, to playing a sport and volunteering at an animal shelter kids today don’t know how to have fun. Playing a game at Chuck E. Cheese and winning a tie-dye t-shirt with the rat himself on it or a stuffed animal will not put children on the slippery slope to addiction. They’re only kids for a short while, they have from about age 16-18 and on to worry about such things. Let them enjoy childhood while they can.
I completely understand the concern this mother is having. I have grown up in a family with extremely addictive personalities. This goes back generations. My great-uncle died due to cirrhosis of the liver, the result of being an alcoholic. My great-aunt just died due to respiratory complications from being a smoker for the majority of her life. Both of my aunts suffer from addictions which have hurt them and their children more than anything else I can imagine would be able to. Addictions, of any sort, are dangerous. The compulsion to do anything, (gamble, drink, etc) is bad news bears and ruins lives daily, if not ending them entirely. Letting yourself succumb to an addiction is risky business that leads to grave consequences. Rehabilitation centers make millions of dollars yearly through helping people who want to turn their lives to the straight and narrow, and get clean.
That being said…
IT’S CHUCK E. FUCKING CHEESE. Let your kid have some fun for Christs sakes. As a kid I was very anxious, paranoid and angry. Even as a toddler I suffered from separation anxiety disorder. Most often, I was not a happy camper. One of the few times I was happy was when I got the chance to play with other kids my age, either at Chuck E. Cheese or some other place that was similar. These places were created to provide a fun, carefree and safe environment for kids to enjoy themselves. With the way society is turning out, many children already suffer from pressures of being successful by the time they hit the first grade. Between being the best in their class, to knowing as many languages as a translator, to playing a sport and volunteering at an animal shelter kids today don’t know how to have fun. Playing a game at Chuck E. Cheese and winning a tie-dye t-shirt with the rat himself on it or a stuffed animal will not put children on the slippery slope to addiction. They’re only kids for a short while, they have from about age 16-18 and on to worry about such things. Let them enjoy childhood while they can.
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